


A Couple of Couples and a Bottled Blonde

by MinaMauveine



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fake Gay Beards, One Shot, Sam is a total Lesbros, one sided love affairs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2013-01-26
Packaged: 2017-11-26 23:23:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/655518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinaMauveine/pseuds/MinaMauveine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where we get a spectator dictation from one Sam Evans on the love affairs of some Cheerio girls and a tiny diva.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Couple of Couples and a Bottled Blonde

Title: Two Couples and the Bottle Blonde

Author: Mina Robins

Fandom: Glee

Pairing: Brittany/Santana, Quinn/Rachel One-sided kind of, spectator dictation

Rating: T One shot

.................................................

He honestly doesn’t get it. How does everyone miss it? It’s stuck so obviously before his eyes it blinds him at times.

Its Quinn’s overpowering, painfully abundant love for someone as oblivious as himself.

He realizes now that she has always wanted power and has always been willing to do whatever it takes to get it. Santana had informed him of this just the other day. Apparently the blonde beauty had been like this since the very first day the three of them had banded together way back in preschool.

But he wonders if maybe this time love will win over Quinn’s obsession for power.

…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….……………

“So she dated Finn cause she wanted to be Prom Queen?”

“Uh huh, the girl is church repressed crazy, heard her tell Finnocence ‘shiny crowns were better than sex’, what the hell is better than sex?” Santana takes a moment to grind her hips suggestively into Sam’s to prove her point.

The blonde gulps and attempts to focus on the topic at hand. “Did she date me for that?”

Santana nods quickly, this was a perfect opportunity to make sure he stays with her.

“Are you dating me for that?” Sam light paces his hands on Santana’s hips to still her movement and to make sure he can read the expression on her face. “Are you?”

The Latina wants to lie and just say no; of course she liked him, he was her boy friend, kind of, not really… More as a friend. Instead she stays quiet and she finds her eyes focusing on anything other than her boyfriend. “It’s not entirely for power…”

“Puck said he heard you say ‘Santitany’ over the phone.” There’s no need to sum up what the moniker sounds for, it’s obvious.

The cheerleader frowns for a moment, “There’s a whole lot of talking and I’m trying to get my sexy on.”

Sam shook his head and looked into Santana’s eyes. “You miss her?”

Santana straightened up and sat back so she was no longer plastered against Sam’s body. “I never miss anything.”

“But she’s not just anything, she’s Brittany.” He states it like it’s a fact because it is one.

She doesn’t answer and that’s all the clarification Sam needs. “Why don’t you go talk to her?”

Santana fondly ruffles her boyfriend’s sandy gold hair and smiles sadly. “Cause I’m not brave enough.”

“Neither am I.”

The brunette quizzically raises her brow at Sam. “Would it help if I stayed your cover till you’re ready?”

“You’ll do that?” Santana sounded surprised, well she should be, she tore the Ken and Barbie Malibu Doll Beach Dreamhouse Supreme apart. “You know I had something to do with breaking you and Quinn up, right?”

“Yes and no.” It wasn’t entirely Santana’s fault.

“The blonde be speaking in riddles now?” She gripped her hand into his bright blonde hair and lightly tugged so his head tilted down sideways, making him squint his eyes up at.

“Ouuuccch.” Sam reaches up and moves to hold Santana’s wrist until she relaxes her grip. “Lady, is that any way to treat your fake gay beard?”

The Latina shrugs and places her hands back on Sam’s shoulders. “What do you want to do for the rest of the night cause my rents aren’t expecting me home anytime soon.”

Sam smiled and began excitedly speaking. “We can play my new Avatar PC game, its only one player but it’s has fairly awesome graphics or we can watch the movie!”

Santana rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “You’re not even going to ask to get some of,” she motions up and down her body, “this?”

Sam shakes his head to signify no. “I’m not touching what belongs to a fellow blonde, it’s against blonde code.”

Santana laughs and moves to sit next to Sam. “Fine, the movie it is.”

Sam’s eyes light up as he hits play on the remote, the movie DVD hasn’t left the blue-ray player since the day he brought it from Best Buy.

“You’re such a nerd.”

The boy shrugs, and quips. “I’ve always like Brittana more, it’s a hell’a lot more easier to pronounce than Santitany.”

Santana rolls her eyes with a frown and then nibbles indecisively on her lips. “I don’t like my name coming in second.”

Sam covers his mouth to stop giggling when Santana glares at him.

…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….……………

“Well, yeah.” Finn mumbles with a shrug. “I guess.”

“Dude, it’s a yes or no question.” The blonde was getting bored of questioning Finn, the boy had a shorter memory span than he did.

“Fine, yes, she said crowns are better.” After seeing Sam’s satisfied smile Finn quickly adds. “Shiny things are like totally cool.”

“That’s true cause some birds collect them for their nests to attract mates.” Sam knows useless knick-knacks, it’s a gift.

“Uh, yeah, I knew that.” The taller jock scrunches up his face. “Why’d you ask?”

But Finn was talking to himself since Sam had already turned and left.

…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….……………

“Baby momma?” Puck rolled his shoulders before swinging his backpack on. “Didn’t let me touch her once after getting pregnant, not even when she was still hot and thin,” Puck uses both his hands in tandem to simulate the curves of a girl. “And stuff.”

“How did you even managed to get-”

“It’s called the Puckersaurous charm; it’s a talent that can’t be learnt.”

Sam sceptically gazed at Noah, after a pause. “Is this talent named Alcohol?”

The Jewish boy’s eyes widen for a moment, he then sheepishly looks away after shoving Sam in the shoulder. “Shud up.”

…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….……………

“Q?” The cheerleader pauses to think. “Yeah she needs to be reorganized for good things.”

Sam looks to Artie for help but the wheel chaired boy only shrugs, just as helplessly confused by Brittany’s interesting word choice.

Santana huffs and whispers into Sam’s ear. “Brittany means ‘recognized’.”

Sam nods and after kissing Santana thank-you on the cheek he waves good bye to the odd little group.

Santana missed Brittany’s jealous stare, Sam didn’t.

…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….……………

“You’ve come to the right place tall, blonde and handsome.”

Sam smiled nervously at the teen, he’s pretty sure Kurt’s eyebrows have been perfectly plucked to that shape. Kurt and he were only acquaintances and he has always just thought that the guy was a metrosexual. But he’s beginning to suspect that Santana might be right about how the boy had feelings for him.

Sam placed the steaming cup of Joe in front of the eager boy beside him.

“You know my order?” Kurt’s eyes shone.

“Yeah,” the blonde blinked. “You told me it when I was buying my non-fat latte.”

“Hmm.” The shorter boy answered while rubbing at a smudge of coffee on his stark white hands. “Whatever you say.”

“Anyways.” Sam pushed some hair behind his ear. “You were saying about how Quinn used to bully Rachel?”

“Bully? Hmph, more like torment, Quinn really had it down to an art, knew every single button and pressed them at every opportunity.” Kurt whipped his scarf around his neck and managed to flick Sam across the face, it smelt like Calvin Klein. “Swear there was something between them…”

Sam nodded enthusiastically; he wasn’t the only one that noticed! “Like sexual tension and stuff right?”

“No.” Kurt gazed at the boy like he was crazy. “I meant blood lust.”

…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….……………

It’s the night of Rachel’s party and it has been a little on the lamer side.

Sam had been casually chatting to a placid Quinn until he noticed the girl’s eyes train onto Rachel giving Finn a glomp of a hug. He reached out and placed a hand on his fellow blonde’s shoulder only to get a confused scowl from the cheerleader.

The moment she walked away Santana had straddled his lap and whispered “Woodsprite.” It was code for ‘time to ampt up the boyfriend/girlfriend charade’. Sam had tried repeatedly to get Santana to say ‘Atokirina’ to no avail and had now settled for the less cool code.

Sam had managed to glance over at Rachel and Quinn talking and it didn’t take him long to see the quiver in the cheerleader’s body.

He didn’t need to be where Finn was standing to know that Quinn must be carrying an utterly heartbroken expression on her pretty features. Especially when Rachel had so carelessly called her ‘Princess’ right after the diva had just feverishly clung to Finn like he was her entire world.

…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….……………

Sam blushed but grinned apologetically back at Santana when she hauled him away from Brittany, damn that girl can kiss but hell he just pissed off his friend.

He reaches out and pulls Santana into his lap. “Why aren’t you in the spin the bottle circle?” Then Santana could totally make out with Brittany too.

The brunette gives him that same dejected little smile and kisses his cheek. “Cause I’m not brave enough, yet, let the booze get going.”

…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….……………

It’s Rachel’s turn to spin the bottle and Sam finds himself crossing his fingers for the bottle mouth to land on Quinn, and after spending the night before explaining his theory to his girlfriend, Santana had found herself wishing for the same thing.

When Rachel and the gay kid from hell-knows-where makes out in front of Quinn’s gawking face Sam winces in pain for her. Santana places her hand on top of Quinn’s and allows the blonde to squeeze it until her hand has gone numb.

The little exchange didn’t go unnoticed cause Brittany had hopped from her spot in the ring and promptly walked up to the second floor. Sam tried to persuade Santana to follow but his fake girlfriend remained planted on his lap.

…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….……………

They are all stumbling and feeling like shit, why the fuck do the lights have to change colours? Sam blunders into whoever the heck is dancing in front of him and finds someone stepping onto the back of his shoe.

When the performance ends Mr. Shue congratulates them on their great acting.

Artie grips Brittany’s hand and when Santana notices him holding onto the love of her life she bursts into tears. The blonde cheerleader immediately leaves Artie and moves to stand next to Santana.

Sam begins to motion forward to calm his girlfriend as well but stops and smiles happily when Santana had turn into Brittany’s open arms and had begun whimpering ‘I love you’ repeatedly into the taller girl’s neck.

…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….……………

Rachel is composing music in their practice room with the most disturbingly excited smile on her face. Sam scuffs his shoes into the floor for a full minute before managing up the courage to approach the brunette.

“Hey.”

“Oh, hello.” Rachel stands up and walks around the grand piano to approach Sam. “What brings you here, at current moment I am busy composing a masterpiece, however, I am willing to sacrifice some of my precious time to aid you in your vocal talents, I find you lacking in your higher scales.”

“What?”

“Now try oscillating the tone higher while tucking in your diaphragm.” Rachel motioned both her hands down to point at her own diaphragm.

“No, Rachel, I didn’t come here for lessons.”

The diva huffed and returned to her seat. “Very well, where can my services aid you?”

“I need to have a talk with you, it’s important.”

“About Glee?”

“No.”

“A discussion pertaining what exactly?” Rachel impatiently brushed her bangs out of her eyes and frowned at the taller Gleek. “It is a bit unusual for you to be willing to talk to me on anything that does not regard glee club.”

“It’s about Quinn.”

The starlet blinks but allows the blonde to continue. It took a good hour of persuasion on Sam’s part and he even quoted out all his evidence to prove that he wasn’t playing a prank.

Rachel will later comment on how a power point would have made the whole presentation much more convincing.

…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….……………

Sam’s hiding behind his open locker; he leans back slightly to glance at the conversing pair. Rachel had purposely stalked up to Quinn and had most likely flat out asked if Quinn was interested in her. Sam watched in bemusement as the normally calm and analytical Head-Cheerleader’s face burn bright crimson.

“What the heck are you saying, Berry.” Quinn hissed when she notice people beginning to whisper around them.

“It has been brought to my attention that you wish to pursue a romantic relationship with me, while I am not opposed to said idea since my parents have brought me up to be open minded, I think we need to work towards a proper relationship by first starting as friends.”

“Who told you that?” The blonde lifts her head and Sam moves so quickly to dodge her questioning eyes that he slams his forehead into one of his locker’s shelves with a sound klang. His palms are getting sweaty and he wonders whether he’ll go to heaven or hell after Quinn murders him with a quite possibly pom-pom suffocation.

“My source will remain anonymous.” Sam lets out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding and groans when he touches the bump he’ll probably get for head-butting metal.

After a pause, “Fine, it doesn’t really matter because I don’t have any homoerotic feelings for you, goodbye Berry.” Quinn peers at the shorter girl, closes her own locker and motions to walk around Rachel.

The petite singer stands tall and right in the blonde’s path, she gently places her tiny hand on her glee mate’s hip. “Quinn, I want you to no longer feel despondent.”

“Then get out of my way and we’ll pretend this crazy little fantasy you have going on in your twisted mind was never shared with me.” Quinn’s voice is wavering and it’s obvious she wants to just agree but this is happening too Fast and Furious. Sam smirks at his own pun.

Quinn’s feelings have been developing too long for her to settle for such a quiet scene that seemed so unlike the diva that is Rachel. She wasn’t willing to throw away her regained popularity at the first moment her crush was interested. “Stop toying with me.”

Sam sighed and pushed his now throbbing forehead against the cool steel locker.

Power one, Love Zero.

…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….……………

Mr. Shue is going on and on about some new song idea, honestly Sam couldn’t care less cause for some reason he had gotten A+ on his last Spanish quiz and he had conjugated every single line of English with the correct Na’vi term instead of the required Spanish vocabulary.

The diva has her hand waving animatedly in the air.

ldquo;Yes, Rachel.”

“I would like to perform a song.”

Mr. Shue nods and stands to the side as Rachel takes her place in front of the piano. “I wanted to write a song at first on headbands.”

Puck snickers and receives a reproving glare from Quinn, “It sucked.” The rest of the team joins in the laughter.

Rachel’s eyes are crinkled at the edges and a smile tilts her lips up, she knows she’s causing the humour and not on the suffering end of it for once. “Then I tried to write about drinking.”

Brittany groans and leans gratefully onto Santana’s lap when the Latina pulls her girlfriend down. “Whatever you are pushing I’m not buying.”

Santana shushes her lover and winks at Sam. The boy nods and gives her the thumbs up hand gesture only to have Santana level him with a force 10 ‘you’re-being-a-dork’ glare. Sam smirks and sits on his digits to stop them from giving his nerdyness away.

“Then there was my whole escapade with my gay fling.” Rachel continues. “And now I have something that has all of it, the ups,” the brunette smiles at Quinn while the other girl nibbles on her lip. “The downs,” Finn grips his hands into his kneecaps when he sees Rachel looking at him coldly, “It is still a little rough around the edges, nonetheless, I am hoping it will become our glee club diamond and choice for national.”

Rachel nods to the ever omnipresent Brad and a melancholy tune begins to envelope the room.

The diva takes a breath and focuses her eyes onto the crowd.

It’s a routine life in a busy room.

No one sees you and no one sees me

There’s no time to wait for her to bloom.

The tempo begins to pick up and Rachel has a slight smile gracing her lips again.

It gets dull and the minutes are wasted

Crack the gin so nothing is tasted

Puck has lit his lighter and has begun to wave it in the air.

Got my girls and boys

Past the drinks and share the winks

Spin the bottle, watch it twirl

I kissed the lips of a fellow romantic

The booze makes the love feel titanic

The glee club gets up and starts improvising a ridiculously well-choreographed dance sequence to the song.

Make a mistake, become twice as careful

Was

Closing my heart and eyes

Closing my heart and eyes

I want to feel again, I no longer want to sleep

Should have notice but my senses were weak

It’s a routine life in a busy room.

No one sees you and no one sees me

There’s no time to wait for her to bloom.

I’m willing to chance my heart for yours to grow.

Rachel had directed the ending notes to a blushing Quinn.

And as the music dies down, Sam is praying for love to come out as the winner.

…………………………….…………………………….…………………………….……………

A/N: I’m such a dork that I actually have a tune for the song I made up

**Author's Note:**

> [Buy Me a Coffee?](https://ko-fi.com/A1464VTG)


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